Setting smart rules for your child’s cell phone

As soon as you decide to give your child a cell phone, that’s the time to figure out how to manage it. Don’t wait until after you’ve handed over the phone. It’s important to make an agreement while the experience is positive and cooperative, long before a problem arises, advises Stephen Balkam, CEO of the Family Online Safety Institute.

“There really, really should be rules,” Balkam says. It may be tempting to decide on the rules, write them up, and have your child agree to them before handing over the phone. But there’s a better way. Here’s expert advice on how to set family rules.

1. Write it down. “Start with a blank sheet of paper,” advises Balkam. You can have your ideas organized in your mind, but start by asking for ideas from your child. What you hear may be even stricter than you expected in some aspects, and more lenient than you’ll allow in others. But it’s good to know what your child thinks is reasonable and work from there.

2. Explain your rationale. During the conversation, it can be helpful to explain your reasons for the restrictions. Kids can be quite tech savvy and may find ways to do things you don’t know they’re doing. Arming them with information about safety and health concerns may deter them from skirting around the rules. Plus, your explanations will help them understand that the rules aren’t arbitrary, which can be a positive part of the parent-child relationship.

3. Consider safety. The first rules to consider are the ones that impact safety. For young children, it’s reasonable to limit their digital and cellular interactions to people they know in person. Older children should have a rule against texting and driving, of course. 

4. Make privacy paramount. After that, you have to explore issues of privacy. The rules should reflect your family values, which can vary. It’s up to you to decide. Talk with them about whether or not you’ll expect to read their emails, texts and social posts. Remind them that even if they are being responsible, you want to protect them from scammers and bullies. As they get older and show you they will come to you with concerns, you can decide when you’re ready to allow more privacy.

“It’s okay to demand to see their phone,” says Balkam. If you have reason to suspect there’s a problem, then it’s the right thing to do. It can be most effective to look at the phone together so you can discuss what you see. If you want to check it at other times, be sure you have a rule that you must know their password.

5. Review their apps. You should also decide in advance if your child is allowed to download apps and sign up for social media accounts without your involvement. If so, you might want to set a schedule for reviewing what’s on the phone together. It can be a positive experience to let your kid show you the latest games.

6. Agree to restrictions. It’s common to set ground rules for screen time limits and locations. Are phones allowed at the table during meals? Experts recommend against it. They also suggest no phones in kids’ bedrooms (or parents’ either, for that matter). Collect the phones at night and charge them in a secure location. There’s scientific evidence supporting a rule against screens during the last hour before sleep. The blue light that comes off the screen stimulates the brain and keeps you awake, says Balkam. Phones have filters that reduce the blue frequency, but the light and the activities they’re doing online may still make it harder to fall asleep.

7. Decide what happens when they break the rules. Kids are kids. You can expect them to need guidance and make mistakes. If you expect it to happen and have your response in mind, you’ll be prepared. Knowing the consequences may even deter them from breaking the rules. If not, at least they’ll know what to expect.

“Keep in mind that we’re giving children an extraordinary privilege with these extraordinary communication devices,” says Balkam. If you paid for the phone and cell plan, then you own it. When rules are broken, simply ask for it back. For a small infraction, perhaps the phone is taken away for a few hours. Larger issues call for longer durations. (Keep in mind that you’ll be losing your ability to reach your child away from home, so make the timeframe reasonable or consider other penalties if that’s not feasible.)

Also, establish an understanding about what will happen if the phone gets lost or broken. Kids may be more careful if they know there isn’t an instant replacement policy.

8. Help your kids follow the rules. Here’s the hard part. If you want your kids to be responsible digital users, you have to set a good example. It’s fine to explain that some rules are age-appropriate and different for kids and adults. But some basic rules should apply to everyone in the family. No screens at the table or in bedrooms? You shouldn’t do it either. Don’t use your phone as your alarm clock or charge it on the bedside table. And never text and drive. Your kids will do what you do, not what you tell them to do.

Learn how to decide if your child is ready for a cell phone.

Additional online safety resources for parents

• Hear more about parenting in a digital world in a podcast with Stephen Balkam.
• Read the 7 Steps to Good Digital Parenting from the Family Online Institute.
• Download the Online Safety Cards for Kid’s Technology from the Family Online Institute.

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