Phone and internet safety for teens: Talking tips

Giving a 16-year-old a new phone is like handing over the car keys: You know you can’t hold the wheel for them. Phone and internet safety for teens is typically more about stepping back and watching what they do with their new freedom—and talking more about it. In fact, open conversation can be as essential as parental controls when it comes to keeping teens safe with that next phone.

“I like to let go of control as they’re turning to 16 or 17,” says Sarah Werle Kimmel, a parent and digital parenting coach. “Because at 18, they’re going to do whatever they want.”

We asked the experts for some research-based ways parents can keep the conversation going around internet safety for teens as they navigate this new level of phone freedom.

Make observations and give feedback based on your own experience.

As your teen gets more freedom with the phone, watch what they’re doing and then give feedback, says Bea Moise, a cognitive specialist and parent raising a neurodivergent teenager. For example, if your 17-year-old spends an entire Saturday scrolling through videos and then struggles to get off the couch, frame that feedback with an observation. Then share from your own experience about how you got back on track.

Try this: “Hey, I spent last Saturday bingeing a TV series and felt totally wiped out. Here are some things I tried.”

Set time restrictions on the phone because self-regulation is a struggle.

Cognitively, teens can often handle more freedom and need less guidance, but they may not be able to self-regulate, says Moise. Their brains are frequently in pleasure-seeking mode, and a phone is an instant dopamine hit that provides that sense of pleasure. That’s why, once a teen gets on the phone, it can be hard to redirect them. Time restrictions with screens are vital to help them self-regulate.

Try this: Set a start and stop time for screens at home. For example, make screens available after they’re ready for school in the mornings. And then again after school, after chores and homework are done, until bedtime, like 9 PM.

Ask what’s working with their tech habits.

“Adults often go right into the negative focus, and that can understandably put teens into a defensive stance,” says Dr. Emily Weinstein, co-founder and executive director of the Center for Digital Thriving at Harvard University. “Really, this is something that’s complicated for all of us.” Instead, when talking about internet safety, ask what habits are working around their tech use, too. You can reinforce good habits by celebrating what they feel they’re doing well.

Try this: “What would you say are some of the best habits you have with your phone, or online right now?”

Call out the ways technology is designed to keep teens’ attention.

Internet safety is also about helping teens learn to spot when an app or a game on their phone is designed to keep them checking their phones. Teaching them to notice these design tricks is one of many ways to strengthen a teen’s sense of digital well-being, according to research by Weinstein and collaborator Carrie James. Use your own example as a guide and talk about what you’re doing to stay in the moment.

Try this: “I’m so distracted by these notifications! Let me turn them off so I can focus on what you’re saying.”

Encourage teens to design their own personal challenges.

Ask teens to design their own personal challenges around internet safety and any habits that don’t make them feel good. For example, if they’re struggling to put the phone away after 9 PM, they could issue themselves a challenge: Instead of scrolling through my phone when I’m in bed, I’ll try a sleep meditation app.

“We also see more granular challenges that reflect how varied teens’ pain points are around social media and well-being,” Weinstein says about her research with James. For example, a teen may want to stop compulsively checking her boyfriend’s location or want to stop comparing themselves to others online. Ask teens to come up with challenges that make them feel better about using social media.

Try this: What kind of challenge could you create to overcome a struggle you’re having online? For example, if you want to go for a run in the morning instead of checking your phone, put your sneakers by the bed and your phone on the dresser so you’ll reach for the sneakers first.

Finally, let curiosity lead the conversation with teens.

Anytime you sit down to talk about internet safety with teens or about what’s going on in their digital lives, lead with questions. And don’t assume that their online experience is similar to yours. It’s probably very different.

“We often talk about leading with the principle of ‘asking over assuming,’” Weinstein says. “Get very curious about teens’ tech experiences and ask questions to understand what’s going great and what’s hard.”

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